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June 16, 2014
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"The brief relationships I had, once people realized
there was no sex, they lost interest fast."

Mark from Asexuals Project





I have a sexuality


Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person does not experience sexual attraction. The purpose of this journal though is a little broader than asexuality and, as the title has clued you in, is noting that many of us have our own sexuality; don't assign someone else yours.

In January, I posted Asexuality: I am louder than who I say I am, a journal to raise awareness to issues surrounding knowledge and confusion related to asexuality. I brought up asexual stigma, what asexuality is defined as and that misconceptions and not caring to know of a sexual orientation is in and of itself, damaging. The comments reflected their support of awareness and showed a healthy, strong, resilient crowd of asexuals and allies on deviantART.

I myself am an asexual aromantic. This means I am not interested in having sex— with anyone— and am not seeking a relationship beyond being friends with others.



Asexuality by XxAnimeWolfxX






Asexuality series 1 by Midnyte-Grimm











Don't assign me yours


Recently I was asked this question by DramaticPerson.


Do you think asexuals are having a tough time being accepted in society today?


I had this to say.

Yes, but only on a person-to-person basis or conversation; what judgement we do face in society, while milder than other groups, has often been associated with several stereotypes such as the man who can't get laid, the guy who is a loner, the girl who is sexually uptight or repressed from some emotional damage or the woman who is waiting for the right guy to come along.

I think society as a whole accepts that there are people out there who identify as asexual and I believe that most people honestly don't judge us or the idea that we exist, but when we materialize in front of them, all of their knowledge they may have had of asexuality tends to scatter and they want to know WHY we aren't interested in sexual relationships. The problem with this is twofold:

  • Like being gay (for sake of analogy), asexuality isn't a choice, and there isn't an identifiable cause as to why we are asexual.
  • People want to know WHY we are and WHEN we knew because they want to find a reason to explain it.

But If it was a choice and there was a reason, then all asexuals should be considered celibate. It's almost like my epilepsy in that there is no cause, it's just a part of me, I didn't choose to have seizures, but I do. If there was a cause for my seizures, then it could be treated. Too often people confuse the idea that people can have positive or neutral human characteristics (asexuality, synesthesia) just as naturally as people have negative aspects to themselves (epilepsy, ASD). People look in the wrong places or with the wrong method when they search for the reason why people are who they are. If you were a psychologist and were with a patient who experienced a substantial amount of trauma and abuse, you would not look at his/her DNA sequence for their history to help them overcome their fear of trusting people. If people were interested in truly finding out why they would take an informative, professional, and scientific approach instead of encroaching on someone's personal life.


You have yours too


Don't look for a label that fits you to settle into. Because it's not about the labels of sexuality. It's about you. I was looking for a label for me for the longest time and even when I found out about the term 'asexuality' and it clicked it took me a while to become comfortable with the idea that I was calling myself that and gradually I did, but looking back, I had had a hard time identifying who I was (I was having a bit of an identity crisis at the time) because I wasn't trying to identify myself to me, but to others.

You have a sexuality: don't let anyone assign you theirs.


Resources and Further Reading



:icondapride: :iconclub-of-aces: :iconlgbt-on-da: :iconasexualheart: :iconburdenedhearts:


Asexual Visibility and Education Network
Asexuals Project
Asexuality: The 'X' In A Sexual World
swankivy (asexual activist)
(A)Sexual Documentary

With thanks to all of my watchers (again) for the support
and a special thank you to mormonbookworm who helped me realize
what I wanted to say this time around.


Add a Comment:
 
:icon100cat:
100Cat Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014
All my life, I've been asexual/aromantic, but I didn't know the word for it. When I found out what it was, I was so happy because I could tell people what I was in two words. Of course, they didn't know what it meant XD but I hate it when someone says "she'll grow out of it" or "you're just hiding it". So untrue!
Reply
:iconblackicenordic8:
BlackIceNordic8 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for putting this out here. I am ( as far as I have figured out) an asexual. It makes me happy when someone actually researches about aces and doesn't just follow the ideas of "oh you are too young" or " you just haven't met the right person". I know how I identify and I feel no need to prove it to an insolent, mortal stranger who will soon be forgotten. And to all of those who are questioning or afraid to tell others: God still created and loves you. 

Best wishes,
BlackIceNordic
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: Best of luck. I'm glad you liked the article.
Reply
:iconxxanimewolfxx:
XxAnimeWolfxX Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I hope a lot of people are seeing this, it's so informative on the subject! Hopefully this can answer most of the questions they always seem to have about us.
Reply
:iconmormonbookworm:
mormonbookworm Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
First off, I want to apologize for not comment on this earlier. I read it the day you put it up on dA, but that was via my phone, and I can't for the life of me type on that thing.
Second, I am so honored to have been able to help you! I was just advising you with what I have figured out works for me, I didn't realize that it would help you so much!
This is a wonderful insight into an aspect of life that I know nothing about. I have grown up shown and exposed to some things, and heavily sheltered to others. As an adult, I'm an constantly questioning others. Not about how or why they define themselves, but what it means to them, and how I can find out more about that facet of themselves. (After all, I don't want to hurt people, and it helps to understand things .)
"Too often people confuse the idea that people can have positive or neutral human characteristics ... just as naturally as people have negative aspects to themselves". It's not often I come across something that speaks to me the way this sentence does.
To be honest, I keep putting off formally comment on this because I feel like I need to say something profound and worth remembering-but nothing's coming. 
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: I'm glad that line spoke to you, when I originally wrote the comment I worked on hard on expressing that concept. :happycry: And yes, your guidance helped quite a lot. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconmormonbookworm:
mormonbookworm Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:blush:
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconmormonbookworm:
mormonbookworm Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:glomp:
Reply
:iconelectricfox5:
Electricfox5 Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014
My wife is asexual (and epileptic too) and I am rather the opposite, it can be hard work for both sides, but she is more than worth it. I love her and she loves me, and that's all there is to it.
Reply
:iconzarblonski:
Zarblonski Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014
You're a good person.
Reply
:iconelectricfox5:
Electricfox5 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
Oh, I wouldn't go as far as to say that... :) But I love her and she's worth it, as hard as it is :)
Reply
:iconzarblonski:
Zarblonski Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
Well, you got this stranger's respect and admiration, in any case.
Reply
:iconelectricfox5:
Electricfox5 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
Thank you :blush:
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconjooydu:
Jooydu Featured By Owner Edited Jun 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This really hit me... I don't know if i'm asexual, bi, gay, straight... (All that I know is that something's not right) I've been in 2 realtionships with boys... the relationship itself was awesome everytime... but i really couldn't care less about the sex... it was always the last thing on my mind... and... i don't really know if it was good or not... but it was just something i didn't really want to do... and I would just do it because that was the way it was supossed to be (?) I love hugs, cuddling, sharing, and having someone who cares for you, and for you to care...  But my... sexual part of a relationship is kinda messed up... I just don't care about sex (I know there can be other reasons... maybe i just haven't met the right person?)... it would be nice to know what's going on~    I'ts so amazing to know more people who thinks cake is better than sex : 3
Reply
:iconpuffugu:
puffugu Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Student General Artist
thanks for this... i'm tired of being told i've not experienced enough, will find someone eventually, it's just a phase, etc etc. no one gets that i DON'T want to find someone as an aromantic asexual. 
Reply
:iconreiko-himezono-lirka:
Reiko-Himezono-Lirka Featured By Owner Edited Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I never had a crisis like you about my lack of interest. But I did feel a little anxious when growing older and remaining virgin at 21. I then was informed there was a lot of people who still are like me even a lot older. I seriously didn't know there was so much asexual people out there ! So now I feel perfectly comfortable with it. People never ask me why I don't have a boyfriend. I still wonder why that lack of interest though. Maybe there is really no reason like you said. Still not sure.
Reply
:iconmoosethetroll:
MooseTheTroll Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I read this and masturbated to it. How does that make you feel?
Reply
:iconretro-red:
Retro-Red Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
There seems to be some kind of misconception. Asexuals aren't interested in sex, that doesn't mean they don't fall in love.
Reply
:iconmarcoemma:
MarcoEmma Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014
I agree. I think some people are not fully understanding asexuality. I may be asexual, but I'm still interested in love. An asexual may fall in love and even get married, but they won't have sex. :nod:
Reply
:iconcustomgirl12:
Customgirl12 Featured By Owner Edited Jun 18, 2014  Student General Artist
I've never had a single interest in sex and I'm 14. I know, I still have a while to go maturity wise, but I still consider myself asexual. I'm not willing to even endure the pain of sexual intercourse. My relationships with guys are only friendships and I want nothing more than that; I'm intending on keeping it that way. I don't care about fitting into society. I NEVER had a crush and I never will. Does it look like I care?

Sex to fit in? Shut the fuck up cuhh. 

By the way, thanks for posting this. :)
Reply
:iconretro-red:
Retro-Red Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're 14. Wait until your older.
Reply
:icontheawkwardfangirl:
TheAwkwardFangirl Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I think I might be asexual. I'm only fourteen, so I still have a ways to go maturity wise, but so far I've never, EVER had interest in sex. It seems gross and painful to be honest. I've never really had a genuine crush either; all my relationships with guys are friendships. :/ But I still blush, or squeal when I see a hot picture of a fictional character. Ever since learned about all the labels to orientations, I feel confused about where I fit. But after reading this, maybe I don't need a label. Thanks for publishing this. :D
Reply
:iconretro-red:
Retro-Red Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're 14. Wait until you're older.
Reply
:icontheawkwardfangirl:
TheAwkwardFangirl Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'll see how that turns out. : |
Reply
:iconretro-red:
Retro-Red Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You really should. While you're at it, research what asexuality is.
Reply
:icontheawkwardfangirl:
TheAwkwardFangirl Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I know that it's a sexual orientation, as well as a facet of biology. 
Reply
:iconretro-red:
Retro-Red Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well you need to know more because that's not enough. Did you understand that? Did you? Not enough!
Reply
:icontheawkwardfangirl:
TheAwkwardFangirl Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Whoa, take it easy. O_o
Reply
:iconretro-red:
Retro-Red Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
NO! I WILL NOT TAKE IT EASY AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.
Reply
:iconlivelovelifeeleni:
LivelovelifeEleni Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Brilliant <3
Reply
:iconaxbunny:
AxBunny Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
I've long considered myself an asexual since I have no desire for actual sex at all, and the (A)Sexual Documentary was brilliant! However, I'm not sure if having a spanking fetish would technically qualify me ^^;
Reply
:iconjuandfr:
Juandfr Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Orientations are who you are attracted to, not whether you're seeking a relationship of that type.
So an Aromantic Asexual individual, while not experiencing sexual (lust, fantasies, finding someone hot/sexy) or romantic (crushes, pining, daydreaming, writing combined names in a notebook, etc) attraction may still want a more-than-friends relationship for other reasons such as companionship, cohabitation, etc.
Such a partnership is called a QPR or Queer Platonic Relationship, with the individuals being each other's zucchinis rather than lovers.
Reply
:iconspirit-of-the-fire:
spirit-of-the-fire Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
Great article :)

I think, along with there being no "cause" of asexuality for a lot of us, it's important to note that if there IS an identifiable "cause" (mental illness, hormone imbalance, etc.), whether treatable or not, that doesn't invalidate a person's identification as asexual during the period of their life when they identified that way. The labels we choose to describe ourselves now should not have to be qualified by who we were in the past or who we might be in the future. 
Reply
:iconsadisticicecream:
SadisticIceCream Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014   Writer
Great article! :highfive:
Reply
:iconboxxmannda:
BoxxMannDA Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Great quote by the way I always told others when it comes about talking about relationships I said I'm not interested in relationships or marriage with the opposite sex and they would think I was a homosexual but I wasn't interested in in my gender either. I'm not interested in having sex either I didn't see the point. Though a part of me wants to be in a relationship that involved love and not sex though that's not what I resale want or need now I have better things to do
Reply
:iconrockint765:
RockinT765 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
In my middle school, it seems like everyone is dating someone or wanting to date someone. To them, it's perfectly normal to date at age 13, 14 etc. I, on the other hand, just don't get it. I mean, I don't even think of that. When I tell people that I've never gone on a date, they seem astonished, as if the very idea of not dating was impossible. I just feel like it's something that will happen in the distant future. My sister is 10 and she can't wait to start dating. She's "digital dating" in Minecraft and just can't wait until she's 16 and is allowed. I don't know if I'm just not ready or what. I know that this doesn't completely relate and I was sort of ranting, but this made me think of that.
Reply
:iconsorrowscoldfrost:
Sorrowscoldfrost Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
I've been thinking I might be asexual... but people keep telling me that's only because I don't socialize enough to meet that 'significant other'. So now I have no clue what on earth I am...
Reply
:iconkelaiah:
Kelaiah Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
I've been told that too, that "all it takes is the right girl", and I just want to tell them to shove off. At the end of the day, I don't want to have sex. I don't want to become romantically involved with anyone. I don't want to meet "the right girl" (or "the right guy" for that matter, haha). Sure, I've had crushes, but that's as far as I want to go, and nobody can tell me otherwise. It doesn't matter who I meet or what other people say, because I know what I am and I cannot change my nature even if I wanted to. 

...So, yeah. :giggle: Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to let you know that I've had a similar problem and figured it wouldn't hurt to put my two cents in. :) Either way, I hope things work out for you. :)
Reply
:iconsorrowscoldfrost:
Sorrowscoldfrost Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
That's exactly how I feel. People keep acting like I'm just in a 'phase' and I'll eventually meet 'the right one'. Haha, you don't have to apologize for the rant; it's nice to find someone else who views this the same way I do. Thanks!
Reply
:iconkelaiah:
Kelaiah Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
I don't talk to a lot of people about this subject, at least in real life, because then I'm afraid they'll all start to do exactly that - and of course, in some cases (but not all of them) they have. But good, I'm glad, and your welcome. :)
Reply
:iconstarklyice:
StarklyIce Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I truly envy asexual people, they are free of a great burden. :D
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
What CosmicHermit said, there's really nothing to be envious about.
Reply
:iconcosmichermit:
CosmicHermit Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
Nothing to be envious of, really. The emotional harm caused by asexuality is just as great a burden.
Reply
:iconreldia:
Reldia Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
I actually wish sexuality was a choice, sometimes! I'm almost certainly asexual (though choose not to label myself as such 'just in case' or whatever :giggle:) but I'm not aromantic, and I think it would be lovely to have a meaningful & loving relationship... but so far I am yet to meet a man who would accept a non-intimate relationship. It's like the quote at the top of this journal! Wonderful blog <3
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That would be an interesting world! :lol:
Reply
:iconmarilynn97:
Marilynn97 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
beautiful just beautiful. This is quite helpful for people and i thank you for this service. 
Reply
:iconpurplecheerios:
PurpleCheerios Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Nice job!
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
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