Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

This deviation was deleted

This has a lot of potential, but there are several technical errors holding it back as well as inconsistent writing throughout.

First off, I like that you have capitalized "Child." It gives the word a sense of importance similar to when Him is capitalized for God. It's not only importance in a general sense, but that the person being spoken to has importance to the narrator of the poem, and it quickly establishes their relationship.

I'm going to dive into this line by line because I want to point out all of the misspelled words, grammar and punctuation errors I saw.

The Child stares to morning mist, smells sewer dew

"to" needs "the" or "a" after it. Alternatively, you could use "into" or "towards." The comma in this sentence isn't the exact punctuation you would use here; a semicolon would be more appropriate or simply replace it with "and."

To blooming roses of thrash. I asked him:

I'm not sure what you meant here with your usage of "thrash." Based on the previous line, I believe you meant "trash." Also, the previous line does not grammatically make sense with this one. If you were trying to say he smelled a range of different putrid scents, then you would need to reword these enjambed lines almost entirely. A simple solution might be to change "smells" into "smelling" and "to" (from the 2nd line) into "from."

Now for the 2nd part of the line. You've changed tenses! You do this throughout and it really does not help the poem at all. If you were to keep with present tense, the last part of line 2 would be "I ask him:".

Have you seen wonders of countryside now few;

Simply put, I think you meant to write " 'Have you seen the wonders of a countryside now few" The semicolon is unneeded. Start your quotes here since the character is talking, like you have done throughout the poem.

Where the prairie lies dead, the starlight now dim?

Comma splice in the middle of the line. This would be where your semicolon goes. You should also end quote here. '

But he seems concerned only upon cars:

I would take out the word "But" here. It doesn't add anything and it even misled me to thinking that the next few lines down was the Child talking. The colon should be a period.

Honking birds and bees in combs that gone black.

I have no idea what you mean with the word "comb." Catacombs? Honeycombs? This is the most confusing line of the entire poem. The last part of the line also makes it fragmented, it should be "go in black combs."

I cried, 'Do you hate not the trains afar?

This is a big no-no. Nowadays reversed thoughts are not used in most circumstances because when they are not reversed they are more easily accessible to the reader. It will take me four times longer to figure out what "Do you hate not" means over "Do you like". The question mark is unnecessary as your question continues in the next line.

Tempered on fields with tracks and put hooves in sacks?

I like this line, but it is way too long compared to the rest of the poem. I would recommend taking out "and put hooves in sacks?"

Still staring, he sighs, 'I don't hate. But I love

This line really needs one thing. A subject for the Child's first sentence, otherwise we are not clear on what he hates.

The smoggy sun, passionate gossip. Of deers:

The passionate gossip of what? Possible comma splice. I understand that "Of deers" rhymes one of your lines but it is very awkward when enjambed on the end like that. I'd look into rewording it.

Cities that shrill with hope to call back doves

The word "shrill" is usually associated with words like "shriek" and "scream." If you are making a shrill noise, it's not for a good reason is what I'm trying to say.

That flied away from wild. Hate has sickened her

"flied" should be "flew." After the word "from" should be the word "the."

I don't have problems with the last two lines other than I'm not sure when or if the Child stops talking.

Keep writing, and I hope this helped.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.


reflectionsinwater Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart: This does help because there are many silly gramatical errors. I think that there are certainly parts which I definitely need to explore more in the poem such as the city shrilling. There is one thing though. I did alternate the tenses deliberately to show the transition from a past era into a new era (I'm not sure how valid that is, in whether I sacrifice grammatical syntax for poetry). Also, should I make the voice of the narrator and child more distinct?
Add a Comment: