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Literature Text
Titles don’t belong in the first line,
teacher says,
and poetry is not made of end rhymes.
The ventilated fluorescence and I
flicker at the incongruence
and I want to tell her
sometimes east is left
on the map
if you hold it right.
teacher says,
and poetry is not made of end rhymes.
The ventilated fluorescence and I
flicker at the incongruence
and I want to tell her
sometimes east is left
on the map
if you hold it right.
Literature
Before I Can Become a Writer
Develop insomnia. Develop
problems with substance abuse,
nothing serious, but enough
that I can say “write drunk,
edit sober” and mean it.
Drink tea. Write about drinking
tea. Take up smoking, ignore
the thoughts about it being
a slower suicide. Write about
suicide. Don’t mean it.
Write about sunsets and
ink veins. Mean it.
Fall in love with someone
who will never love me back.
Lament. Write a million
crappy poems and two good
ones. Never show him.
Move on. Write a few more
bad poems. Fall in love with
someone perfect. Screw it up.
Fall in love with someone awful.
Call him perfect. Screw it up.
Cry. Cry for the inevitab
Literature
nine
ariel stole your breath more than i ever did -
when my heart was thudding between your lungs,
because that was the only safe place, or so i was told
i can't remember when my heart caught the fever
for you had guarded it with your own ribcage for so long
my memories melded between your synapses and
we became one
Literature
October Eyes
Such gentle colors drip across your freckled shoulder blades.
A quilt of puddled watercolors soaked in auburn shades.
Spun of golden rivulets and rinsed in autumn skies,
So many endless currents swimming through your lonesome eyes.
Brushing under fingertips and over shattered songs,
Unraveling like morning glaze against my paling palms.
With beauty like October hills and hollow as the skies,
The water drops against the earth will be our lullaby.
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Comments67
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Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
For vision I gave you 5 stars because of the imagery used to illustrate your point. You had a magnificent analogy, as well as a clearly defined point.
I scored you 5 stars in originality because of the defiance taken against the standards. Writing something encouraging the breaking of rules for the sake of originality must be considered original, especially when the rules are broken to do so.
Impact also scored five stars because the powerful conclusion. It was like getting hit by a bus full of kids fresh from a tour of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Excellent work. Also, ouch.
However, I found your technique lacking; you broke quite a few rules writing this, which by industry standards earns a frowny-face sticker. With awkward punctuation, omitting quotations, and putting your title in the first line, your technique was definitely lacking.
Overall, I'd have to score this work 4.5 meatball subs, because f*** the scoring system. this is some good sh** right here.