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Titles don’t belong in the first line,
teacher says,

and poetry is not made of end rhymes.
The ventilated fluorescence and I
flicker at the incongruence
and I want to tell her
sometimes east is left

on the map
if you hold it right.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconjames72487:
For vision I gave you 5 stars because of the imagery used to illustrate your point. You had a magnificent analogy, as well as a clearly defined point.

I scored you 5 stars in originality because of the defiance taken against the standards. Writing something encouraging the breaking of rules for the sake of originality must be considered original, especially when the rules are broken to do so.

Impact also scored five stars because the powerful conclusion. It was like getting hit by a bus full of kids fresh from a tour of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Excellent work. Also, ouch.

However, I found your technique lacking; you broke quite a few rules writing this, which by industry standards earns a frowny-face sticker. With awkward punctuation, omitting quotations, and putting your title in the first line, your technique was definitely lacking.

Overall, I'd have to score this work 4.5 meatball subs, because f*** the scoring system. this is some good sh** right here.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014
Thoughtprovoking.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I like this one
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I like that you like this one. :)
Reply
:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
lol
Reply
:iconthedagmar:
TheDagmar Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm so glad I read this poem :D
The ending had a great impact. Very creative and original, I love it :love:
I really hate it when at school I'm not allowed to do something in writing just because my teacher says it breaks rules. Like when I'm writing a paper, I can't use contractions; must use given thesis format; must cite in the way she shows us; am not allowed to use "I's or you's," and etc. And I know it's a thesis paper, with an arguement in it, not a story, but it really sucks out ways to be creative. 
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Yes! :love: Persuasive papers are the bane of my writing existence for this very reason!
Reply
:iconchildwoman:
childwoman Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Simple and engaging - I really like it.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D Thank you!
Reply
:iconsirwombat14:
SirWombat14 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I cannot stop reading your stuffs. The creativity is just bouncing all over the page
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, it's always an honor when someone stops by my gallery and takes a look around. I'm glad you found it to your taste. :D
Reply
:iconsirwombat14:
SirWombat14 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
no, thank you
 but you are welcome
Reply
:iconi-am-a-bridgewalker:
i-am-a-bridgewalker Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
brilliance.
Reply
:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Very nice, reminds me of a certain professor who always tells us this or that doesn't belong in academic writing, not exactly the same but rules that keep a piece of work from being as strong as it really could be are self-defeating.
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hi :wave:
Congratulations! This piece has been featured in our Weekly Round-up!

Thanks for writing it and choosing to submit it to us too :heart:
From The Admin Team
:iconwritersink:
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconlawooplz: Thank you very much for the feature!
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconpereyga:
Pereyga Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You like breaking your teacher's rules ? 
I really like this piece. 
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. :)
Reply
:iconpereyga:
Pereyga Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome
Reply
:iconaelfrics-cat:
AElfrics-Cat Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Rules are lovely. To admire from distance and break the moment you get home :)

Damn, straight. This is lovely.
(win!) x
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Thanks for the wonderful comment. :love:
Reply
:iconaelfrics-cat:
AElfrics-Cat Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thoroughly welcome! x
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: !
Reply
:iconjuniorel:
juniorel Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013   Writer
Those last three lines: :love: Gorgeous.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:love: Glad you think so!
Reply
:icondecepticonflamewar:
DecepticonFlamewar Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I want to throw this in the faces of people who say there's no depth in something else I've been into lately, but if they don't get that game's anvilicious theme, they definitely wouldn't get something subtle like this.

Great point, eloquently stated. Nice job. Sorry I'm not up to a proper critique. 
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
True. And thank you! I've learned a new word today because of your comment. :love:
Reply
:icondecepticonflamewar:
DecepticonFlamewar Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Anvilicious, I assume? It's TV tropes jargon, not a proper dictionary word. ^^*
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It showed up on the dictionary sites! :la:
Reply
:icondecepticonflamewar:
DecepticonFlamewar Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Really? That's exciting! It's a more useful term than a lot of real literary ones...
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It does seem to. :nod:
Reply
:icondecepticonflamewar:
DecepticonFlamewar Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
If I were in a more capricious mood I'd handwrite it into my literary glossary, but that would be hard to explain later. XD
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Are you trying to teach me new words? ;) :la:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconeuxiom:
Euxiom Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
Nice piece :D I like it.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :dummy: The comment's appreciated.
Reply
:iconeuxiom:
Euxiom Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013
Welcome :)
Reply
:iconhadasaugh:
hadasaugh Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Professional General Artist

Rules are made to be broken when you understand them enough to break them in a way that works.

 

This poem deserves a bravo, applause, and an ovation from the audience!

 

Marvelous!

Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow, thank you! :D
Reply
:iconrandomaxes:
randomaxes Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
lol
rules are made for one reason...to be broken.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:nod:
Reply
:iconcarmalain7:
Carmalain7 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
Haha, you would. =D
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yes I would. :P

On a side note, what am I doing?
Reply
:iconcarmalain7:
Carmalain7 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
Winning, good sir, you are winning.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:lol:
Reply
:iconmaxnort:
maxnort Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013   Writer
first comment:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peirce_q…

I don't believe in "cubic time" or anything, but sometimes the earth is square.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You've totally lost me. I'm not smart enough for that amount of intellect. :noes:
Reply
:iconmaxnort:
maxnort Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013   Writer
I don't do it on purpose. the link shows a map of the earth with a square equator; I'm trying to tie together:

poetry follows no rules except its own, and sometimes, those change so poetry can go on

following maps is fine; sometimes it's the only way to get someplace you've never been, or cannot ever go
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah. It took a little while to sink in before I had the aha! moment and got what you were saying. It's an excellent parallel.
Reply
:iconmaxnort:
maxnort Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013   Writer
again, I don't try to be overly-intellectual, but it happens sometimes.

I'm glad you got it.
Reply
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Submitted on
October 29, 2013
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