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quintessence by stargirl2791

Poems Stories by Jujinkai

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Submitted on
October 29, 2013
Submitted with Writer


98 (who?)
Titles don’t belong in the first line,
teacher says,

and poetry is not made of end rhymes.
The ventilated fluorescence and I
flicker at the incongruence
and I want to tell her
sometimes east is left

on the map
if you hold it right.
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For vision I gave you 5 stars because of the imagery used to illustrate your point. You had a magnificent analogy, as well as a clearly defined point.

I scored you 5 stars in originality because of the defiance taken against the standards. Writing something encouraging the breaking of rules for the sake of originality must be considered original, especially when the rules are broken to do so.

Impact also scored five stars because the powerful conclusion. It was like getting hit by a bus full of kids fresh from a tour of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Excellent work. Also, ouch.

However, I found your technique lacking; you broke quite a few rules writing this, which by industry standards earns a frowny-face sticker. With awkward punctuation, omitting quotations, and putting your title in the first line, your technique was definitely lacking.

Overall, I'd have to score this work 4.5 meatball subs, because f*** the scoring system. this is some good sh** right here.
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4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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ilyilaice Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
shep4life Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I like this one
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I like that you like this one. :)
shep4life Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
TheDagmar Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm so glad I read this poem :D
The ending had a great impact. Very creative and original, I love it :love:
I really hate it when at school I'm not allowed to do something in writing just because my teacher says it breaks rules. Like when I'm writing a paper, I can't use contractions; must use given thesis format; must cite in the way she shows us; am not allowed to use "I's or you's," and etc. And I know it's a thesis paper, with an arguement in it, not a story, but it really sucks out ways to be creative. 
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Yes! :love: Persuasive papers are the bane of my writing existence for this very reason!
childwoman Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Simple and engaging - I really like it.
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D Thank you!
SirWombat14 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I cannot stop reading your stuffs. The creativity is just bouncing all over the page
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