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          Scents from inside the suit intertwined their intentions with the sights of tangled and tessellated hair illumed by firefly LED's, spiking my circulation with memories and murmurs of dopamine.

          I took her by the gaze; she steered her sight away from mine. I led her through a glance that involved no scuffling of hands.

          She was one of two wayward strangers passing in the cosmos; two separate glances met as objects in motion tending to motion. People aren't the same however.

          Drifter was the term we were known as, people cast off of vessels and ships, mostly by accident, condemned to trudge about the universe until starvation kicked in or their oxygen-starved filters were finally incapable of operating. My unplanned departure from the mysteriously flaming vessel, Surveyor, had left me careening towards the scorching of the sun.

          The communications spoon-fed me the same spitting static and ever constant resonant hum of electromagnetism. Hers must be damaged. Which wasn't all that uncommon. The micrometeoroids fed on us like gnats, their holes sealed up with a layer of gel immediately on impact. Just how the suit design was intended to operate.

          We didn't need communications; her expression was that of one knowing and who admitted and was committed to their fate. I was still terrified of the thought. I hate the sun.

          The days on most civilizations were spent brewing a rivalry with the native sun, to see if the star had survived another night without my swelling and underwhelming opposition. It is like a race, the sun laps me while I lapse, as tiredly and resignedly I rest. Parting glares and glances at dusk are commonly shared and misinterpreted between us in streaks of blighted crimson, cyan, and maroon.

          Ahead of her I know she only sees the citronella-stained pale mauve and navy of the hemming of unraveling nebulae, and she is acquiescent of this fact and resigned to be reigned by stars.

          We are a momentary retrograde of celestial bodies, then she has passed by. I can no longer block out the sun with my thumb at arm's length. I know that it would cover her figure from the nebulae.

          The adrenaline rush begins to lessen and the cortisol continues to burgeon like embalming lighter fluid in my veins and vagus nerve. The ever-present resonant hum chanted cicada-like rites over the buzz of static. I stared down the sun as I marched toward self-evident immolation.
A flash fiction story I wrote for 365 Tomorrows.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2011-10-20
Retrograde by *Packeranatic. Suggester writes: "This Science Fiction piece does a marvellous job of maintaining some beautiful abstraction to go along with an appealing voice." ( Suggested by DailyLitDeviations and Featured by BeccaJS )
:iconaelogan:
Holy shit there's some awfully poetic writing here.

On content

This piece is highly abstract and buried in language so it took me almost and entire red through to realize what was going on. A science fiction piece where people who are blown or cast off ships careen through the ether endlessly to die. It's a flash vignette of the nonverbal interaction of two drifters similarly condemned passing by one another. This is a marvelously unique concept, it's heartbreaking and terrifying and interesting and honest. All good writing starts with a good concept, a good message, a good idea. You certainly have that here and I congratulate you.

On diction

You could creatively linebreak this and make this a poem. "tangled and tessllated," "fed on us like gnats," "laps me as I lapse" etc it's all good shit. I feel like this quality detracts from the piece a little bit in making the first three paragraphs of the poem fairly abstract. It's not really until the fourth, or maybe halfway through the third, paragraph until the reader, or this reader anyway, fuly understands what's going on.

"Their holes sealed up" is a little bit misleading, makes it sound like you're talking about holes in the meteorites (especially when you reinforce it with talking about the suits, it reads as though you're comparing similarities), rather than the holes the meteorites leave in the suits.


On English

Any particular reason for your decision to relagate a lot of single sentences to their own paragraph? I see how the flow of the reading is somewhat fragmented, talking about differenct subjects every other sentence or so, but even in places where you have a sentral focus, like the "I took her" and the "she was one of" lines, those could easily be condensed into a unique paragraph and give this piece less of a, if not only visual, outline-ish or note-taken feel.

I really can't critique much on the content or language, I think this piece is perfect to me in a lot of ways. What I can do, however, is point out a few sentence structure things that I've noticed:

"Which isn't that uncommon" needs a subject, you could mate it to the preceding line as a participial phrase with a simple comma (which is how it reads anyway) to remedy that.

"Just how the suit was intended" is the same way, could be joined as a parenthetical phrase to the preceding sentence with a semicolon.

On conclusions

The ending is really good. My inbox has been full today of prose that wraps up in complete and pleasing ways, this is no exception. Solid beginning, solid middle, solid end. Well written and poetic, this is a remarkable deviation. Thanks for sharing!

Also ignore the star rating, rating critiques is stuuuuuuupid.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconnothing-creative:
nothing-creative Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Student Writer
This is... impressive. I can't describe it. The wording is awesome! Love it. Seriously.
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconnothing-creative:
nothing-creative Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Student Writer
You're very welcome!
Reply
:iconi-am-a-bridgewalker:
i-am-a-bridgewalker Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is a fresh and brilliant concept. stilling, frightening, capturing.

"resigned to be reigned by stars" ... absolutely beautiful language as well.
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Featured in my last journal of the year: [link] :D
Reply
:iconsenthrax:
Senthrax Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Student Artist
Nice one m8, it captures the athmosphere of the moment perfectly. Congratz on the DD!
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:icontulawena:
tulawena Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011
Hé Pack, Congrats on your DD. :) I'm very happy for you :) You deserve it!!!
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you Tula, this is my second for my writing. I'm glad to see my writing get recognized for how moving it can be.
Reply
:icontulawena:
tulawena Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2011
Well you deserve it!!! Congrats again!!!!
Reply
:iconangie-pictures:
Angie-Pictures Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011
Congratulations on the DD! :iconflowerheartplz:
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you =)
Reply
:iconangie-pictures:
Angie-Pictures Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011
My pleasure! :hug:
Reply
:icontetrarchangel:
tetrarchangel Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, you did something for 365 Tomorrows! I didn't realise even as I enjoyed it. I've been contributing to a cluster fiction site called Elephant Words!
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for checking this out! What's cluster fiction?
Reply
:icontetrarchangel:
tetrarchangel Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
[link] might explain. One picture. Six writers. Six stories/poems/etc.
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Professional Writer
I am so glad this got a DD. Congrats! :D
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. :) It was totally unexpected.
Reply
:iconhyourinmaru7:
Hyourinmaru7 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
gratz on the dd pack :D
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks Hyou. :D
Reply
:iconhyourinmaru7:
Hyourinmaru7 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
np man :3
Reply
:iconravenshiddensoul:
RavensHiddenSoul Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011
I have no idea what 365 Tomorrows is, but this piece is written so beautifully, with such vivid parallelistic metaphors, and lovely but not overbearing use of alliteration... It's poetry.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I love alliteration, if you're curious on how I go about not making it overbearing, read my guide on euphonics: [link] and skip down to the parts about consonance (repeated consonant sounds) and assonance (repeated vowel sounds).
Reply
:iconsilverninjawolf:
SilverNinjaWolf Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Amazing poem.
I don't even know what it's about.
But it still amazes me.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I tend to go very detailed in my writing to the point where others are a bit lost, whether it be poetry or prose. But here's a quick rundown of what's going on:

The main character is drifting through space after he has abandoned his ship for unknown reasons. He then makes eye contact with a woman drifting through space as well, heading the opposite direction. They can't/don't communicate; he assumes her communications must be damaged. But it doesn't matter because he sees that she is resigned to her fate that she is not going to be rescued or saved, while he is still struggling to accept that. They part ways, and as he drifts closer and closer to the sun we see that he has learned nothing from the encounter with the woman, and that he 'marches towards self-evident immolation.'

The last line is a play on words that I'm proud of. Self-immolation is ritualistic suicide by fire. Self-evident is defined as 'not needing to be explained,' i.e. it's another word for obvious. But just having the word 'self' that close to the word immolation implies a darker meaning behind the origins of this story.
Reply
:iconsilverninjawolf:
SilverNinjaWolf Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh, I see now :D thanks man.
Wow, you're right- very deep. Well deserved DD :D
Reply
:iconsummernightangel:
summernightangel Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011
I'm so happy to see something like this in the dd's. Very well deserved, it's excellent.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the kind words. :thanks:
Reply
:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
My sincerest congrats.
So absolutely well deserved. :thumbsup:
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:thanks: <--- is about how I feel right now. Thank you.
Reply
:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You are so very welcome. :rose:
Reply
:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011  Student Writer
So wonderfully done - congratulations on your DD! :clap:
I adore the subject and the language, and your ending is marvellous. Lovely.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! =)
Reply
:iconlit-twitter:
Lit-Twitter Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011
Chirp, congrats on the DD, it's been twittered. [link] :)
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
*Rubs eyes* I can't believe this. I'm in awe.
Reply
:iconalecbell:
AlecBell Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011
Such a dark and unexpected vision, artfully composed.

A very well merited DLD!
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the kind words! =)
Reply
:iconalecbell:
AlecBell Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011
My pleasure!
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations and has been selected as our “Pick of the Day”. It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
=D
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconatrue:
ATrue Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2011
Your poem has been featured! [link]
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the wonderful feature. This is flash fiction though, does it still qualify for the feature?
Reply
:iconatrue:
ATrue Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011
Yes, we feature all kinds of literature.
Reply
:icontetrarchangel:
tetrarchangel Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Terrific piece of flash fiction.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you like it. =)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2011  Professional Writer
Wow. This is completely amazing. Such an original concept, written in a really captivating way. Seriously impressive.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This deviation has been featured in my journal. :)
Reply
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