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Full title: I and the Girl with Grace Notes
This is a poem I have submitted to several publications (some of which have been offended). It is about my first and only drug-related experience in which I was let down in multiple ways. Because this poem relates to drugs I’m not sure if there should be a content warning. Criticism is accepted generously, but keep in mind this work is in its final format and may not change.
For critique, please if you could focus on:
Is it clear that the girl is high? On cloud 9, etc?
Does the poem have a murky/unclear feel?
Is the overall message clear?
Words to know:
Permeate – filter through.
Undercast – opposite of overcast; under or beneath.
Cuticle – dead skin at the base of a fingernail or toenail.
Inflection – pattern of stress and intonation in language.
Chagrin – distress of mind caused by a failure of aims or plans.
Caliber – diameter of a tube.
Belie – be in contradiction with.
Anticlimax – a disappointing decline after a previous rise.
Titter – a nervous or repressed giggle; to laugh or giggle in a subdued manner.
Grace Note – a small ornamentation on another note, usually it is a very short note, and does not count toward the time signature.
Grace Period – a length of time during which rules or penalties do not take effect.
Written by Nic Swaner, to claim otherwise is plagiarism.
This is a poem I have submitted to several publications (some of which have been offended). It is about my first and only drug-related experience in which I was let down in multiple ways. Because this poem relates to drugs I’m not sure if there should be a content warning. Criticism is accepted generously, but keep in mind this work is in its final format and may not change.
For critique, please if you could focus on:
Is it clear that the girl is high? On cloud 9, etc? Does the poem have a murky/unclear feel? Is the overall message clear?Words to know:
Permeate – filter through.
Undercast – opposite of overcast; under or beneath.
Cuticle – dead skin at the base of a fingernail or toenail.
Inflection – pattern of stress and intonation in language.
Chagrin – distress of mind caused by a failure of aims or plans.
Caliber – diameter of a tube.
Belie – be in contradiction with.
Anticlimax – a disappointing decline after a previous rise.
Titter – a nervous or repressed giggle; to laugh or giggle in a subdued manner.
Grace Note – a small ornamentation on another note, usually it is a very short note, and does not count toward the time signature.
Grace Period – a length of time during which rules or penalties do not take effect.
Written by Nic Swaner, to claim otherwise is plagiarism.
Mature
© 2011 - 2024 Nichrysalis
Comments20
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Overall
Vision
Originality Technique ImpactNice vocabulary. I know a lot of poets are afraid to step their words up that extra notch, and sometimes their works suffer for it. I like that you included the little glossary, if you will, at the bottom to take away the 'uhh...what's [] mean?' aspect.
I definitely could tell that she was baked, but I've been around a lot of people that smoke, so I'm not sure whether me picking it up would mean that it's obvious to others.
I might go back and look at the first line. It looks like you missed punctuation? Honestly, I might reword the first line. THe fact that you open with such a blunt statement as 'It was in May..." take away from the otherwise super-detail oriented/descriptive way you write the rest of the piece. If you're attached tohaving the fact that it was in May in the poem, I might add it somewhere else. Maybe use May to describe the breeze you talk about later?
That said, I love the details you add in the rest of the poem, especially when it comes to the persons voice, and the way it sounds, and the details about her eyes.
I love the line: "The girl with echoes in her inflection..." It flows realy well.
It's a good idea to tie the title into the end of the poem - I love that you did that here. The title had me wondering a bit, until you closed with hte last line.