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Literature by Sammur-amat


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October 18, 2012
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Hear me perform it on youtube.


We are not more
than each other but

I bul-lieve
virginity is a childhood disease;
I know
because my friend tells me
I won't find a way to keep it.

So I do keep it.



You are not more
than me, yet

I bully you:
'sex is an adolescent dream.'
You know
because your friends tell you
that you will hold someone
close enough to have it.

So you hold someone closer.



And it doesn't bother me
that I twitch from the grief,
wince from my gut and ground

my teeth for the truth;
I do those things because
this thought makes sense to me:

I think I'm more
than you.
EDIT 5/23/2013: Hopefully, a final revision. I am very, very happy with this version and what it shows going on in the mind of a bully. You can hear me perform it here: [link]

EDIT 5/22/2013: This was a painful poem to return to, but I have never been satisfied with how it originally turned out, and soon after I revisited it with *MattVoscinar, it became tuned up, but was definitely not concise or consistent throughout. This is my most expressive poem to date, and successively my most personal. I don't think people get told straight up that they are bullying and intimidating those around them and those close to them, but I was fortunate enough to be told this, and in a way that it got through. Upon learning that my family was afraid of me, that my brother was weight training because of this fear, I had to reevaluate myself, who I was, and who I was being to others in mid-2012. I don't know if anything I've learned has stuck, or if every situation will require me to approach it as I have for the past year (almost). It's hard to change with Aspergers, Epilepsy, and a slew of mental disorders that are relatively mild, but I appreciate change for what it can accomplish.

As for critique, feel free to tear this poem apart if you still feel there is something wrong with it.

Original Text: This was painful to write. Yes, I do consider myself a bully and a horrible person. Sometimes the only thing that lets me know I'm still sane is that I'm aware of this aspect of myself and am actively trying to improve who I am in terms of how I treat others.

If you do not get the point of this poem, think about the two things I state that I believe and how I as one person, contradict them in the end. Not only have I intimidated people before, but even I recognize how ridiculous my perspective is at times. This is no longer relevant because of how the poem has been changed.

Nic Swaner 10/18/2012
Revised 10/27/2012 with help from *MattVoscinar
Revised 5/22/2013 with help from *glossolalias and =slowslicksnails :thanks:
Revised 5/23/2013 by myself

Bully 2012-2013 Nic Swaner
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:iconmattvoscinar:
What strikes me about this is that it's a far cry from what I'm used to seeing. Instead of a poem about being bullied and how terrible it is, this poem investigates the feeling of being a bully and the ramifications it has on the psyche. It is a refreshing pieces that uses its originality to it's full advantage and has some clever pieces that I must commend you on.

Stanza one: The use of the lyrics you've taken and the following sentence really strike me in a way. It speaks to the way in which media effects us on a personal level and creates the person we become. The belief you have is a direct result of the music you speak of and I think that's very important in this context. It's one thing to be a bully because of abuse or other reasons, but this is a direct effect of being part of our culture: the violence culture that praises those who talk down to those who are not a part.

Stanza two: Again, this stanza speaks to the culture aspect of bullying. It's obvious here that the action in itself is constructed by others as well as the perpetrator, but blame is still present.

Stanza three: This stanza is the reason I only provided 3.5 stars in technique. There are two ways to take it, and maybe that's your focus, but I think it could possibly confuse readers. I could either take it that the speaker is a virgin or that the person who they are about to bully is. This slightly changes the direction of the poem based on interpretation. Perhaps you could clear this up.

I believe the vision and originality of the piece are fantastic as states, which gives it it's impact. If you clean up that last stanza you will have one of the most poignant poems on this topic I've ever read, if not the most. As it stands now, it's still near the top of the list.
What do you think?
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:iconbelcanto2:
belcanto2 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2014
Wonderful reading voice, difficult viewpoint for your speaker.  I'm making a note to come back to this because I'd like to study how you've put the piece together. I take it you've worked on this for a while.  A serious, challenging topic. 
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I have, and I intend to work on it some more. I've never really finished this piece.
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:iconeclecticquill:
EclecticQuill Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student Writer
I've experienced both sides of bullying, but in all honesty I can't relate any of my experiences to this poem. Probably a result of cultural and circumstantial differences. :shrug: Still, I'm able to empathize, bully was an unconscious thing for me, I didn't even realize I was doing it, but when I did, I hated what I'd become and have endeavored ever since to be a better person and have a positive impact on others.

The poem is good, but I think one of the stanza breaks is misplaced. The first line of the penultimate stanza belongs to the preceding stanza, and causes a break in the otherwise flawless flow of the poem.
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:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013   Writer

This is raw in the best sense of the word. I actually grit my teeth during the last three stanzas-- this feels very personal to me too. I may be reading into the virginity bit too much but I get that, totally. Being told you're a bully is a really hard thing to hear-- an even harder thing to change (from my experience). I'm glad that you're taking steps to change and are on the right track. That's really fantastic.


 


The poem itself is simple, but completely potent. I think the repitition really helps as well. I did enjoy this-- even as close to home as it hit. It's very well done. I think the best compliment is getting your reader to feel something from your work and this definitely did that for me.

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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I haven't been quite sure how to respond to your comment because I'm grateful you connected to the poem in such a way, and it seems like it genuinely touched you, something I wasn't sure my work could do anymore. Don't get me wrong, there was a time when I was high-time confident poet, but that isn't the case at the moment, and this was a much-needed boost. Thank you. :)
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:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013   Writer
Well, I'm really happy I could boost you a bit! Honestly, I haven't really read much of your work before now but this was a really fantastic piece in my opinion. I know how much it sucks to lose that confidence but hopefully you'll be able to get it back. :)
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:iconawstein:
Awstein Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013
That's a beautifully written piece - and brave indeed as many people have stated. Great job!
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :aww:
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Professional Writer
I've only read the final, final version.

I chewed on it for a long while.

You are brave to write this. I tried looking a lot at myself afterwards, to see i I could be that honest with me, too.

As always, it's very good, has an almost lyric quality, (or rhythmic, perhaps). And I liked it.
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug: Thank you for the kind words. You're too generous.
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