We are not more
than each other but
virginity is a childhood disease;
because my friend tells me
I won't find a way to keep it.
So I do keep it.
You are not more
than me, yet
I bully you:
'sex is an adolescent dream.'
because your friends tell you
that you will hold someone
close enough to have it.
So you hold someone closer.
And it doesn't bother me
that I twitch from the grief,
wince from my gut and ground
my teeth for the truth;
I do those things because
this thought makes sense to me:
I think I'm more
EDIT 5/22/2013: This was a painful poem to return to, but I have never been satisfied with how it originally turned out, and soon after I revisited it with *MattVoscinar, it became tuned up, but was definitely not concise or consistent throughout. This is my most expressive poem to date, and successively my most personal. I don't think people get told straight up that they are bullying and intimidating those around them and those close to them, but I was fortunate enough to be told this, and in a way that it got through. Upon learning that my family was afraid of me, that my brother was weight training because of this fear, I had to reevaluate myself, who I was, and who I was being to others in mid-2012. I don't know if anything I've learned has stuck, or if every situation will require me to approach it as I have for the past year (almost). It's hard to change with Aspergers, Epilepsy, and a slew of mental disorders that are relatively mild, but I appreciate change for what it can accomplish.
As for critique, feel free to tear this poem apart if you still feel there is something wrong with it.
Original Text: This was painful to write. Yes, I do consider myself a bully and a horrible person. Sometimes the only thing that lets me know I'm still sane is that I'm aware of this aspect of myself and am actively trying to improve who I am in terms of how I treat others.
Nic Swaner 10/18/2012
Revised 10/27/2012 with help from *MattVoscinar
Revised 5/22/2013 with help from *glossolalias and =slowslicksnails
Revised 5/23/2013 by myself
Bully © 2012-2013 Nic Swaner
Stanza one: The use of the lyrics you've taken and the following sentence really strike me in a way. It speaks to the way in which media effects us on a personal level and creates the person we become. The belief you have is a direct result of the music you speak of and I think that's very important in this context. It's one thing to be a bully because of abuse or other reasons, but this is a direct effect of being part of our culture: the violence culture that praises those who talk down to those who are not a part.
Stanza two: Again, this stanza speaks to the culture aspect of bullying. It's obvious here that the action in itself is constructed by others as well as the perpetrator, but blame is still present.
Stanza three: This stanza is the reason I only provided 3.5 stars in technique. There are two ways to take it, and maybe that's your focus, but I think it could possibly confuse readers. I could either take it that the speaker is a virgin or that the person who they are about to bully is. This slightly changes the direction of the poem based on interpretation. Perhaps you could clear this up.
I believe the vision and originality of the piece are fantastic as states, which gives it it's impact. If you clean up that last stanza you will have one of the most poignant poems on this topic I've ever read, if not the most. As it stands now, it's still near the top of the list.
This is raw in the best sense of the word. I actually grit my teeth during the last three stanzas-- this feels very personal to me too. I may be reading into the virginity bit too much but I get that, totally. Being told you're a bully is a really hard thing to hear-- an even harder thing to change (from my experience). I'm glad that you're taking steps to change and are on the right track. That's really fantastic.
The poem itself is simple, but completely potent. I think the repitition really helps as well. I did enjoy this-- even as close to home as it hit. It's very well done. I think the best compliment is getting your reader to feel something from your work and this definitely did that for me.
I chewed on it for a long while.
You are brave to write this. I tried looking a lot at myself afterwards, to see i I could be that honest with me, too.
As always, it's very good, has an almost lyric quality, (or rhythmic, perhaps). And I liked it.
You volunteers are appreciated - bunches!
Much luck to you on overcoming so much obstacles in your life. Again, I will never truly understand what it is to be "you" but I admire your bravery and the use of your new found knowledge.
Thank you for the kind words and praise. The trick now is to not neglect what I've learned until it becomes habit, which it hopefully will.
"And it doesn't bother me
that I have a twitch for the grief,
a tic for the guilt and ground
my teeth for the truth;"
I love this part.
It was great to hear you liked this piece. I've been meaning to read one of your works which I believe is titled "Love Letters on a Train", correct me if I'm wrong. I saw it as a DLD I think and a dA friend told me it is something I might like. So I'll be sure to read that sometime soon.
We are all one .)
This is a really great poem. One thing I think could use a slight bit of works the last line. The word 'still' at the end sounds a bit off, so maybe just put it after the word 'you' in that line?
As I said, this is a really great poem. You get everything across so well, and your word choice is great!
Oh, and, if it makes you feel any better, I believe that everyone is a bully(/bullied?) in some point of their life, whether they want to admit it or not. I think you are brave for admitting it. I do not know you that well at all, really, but you don't seem like that bad of a person.