literature

A State of Flow

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Published: Oct 15, 2016

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Literature Text

In my sophomore year of a high school
run-down from too much renovation
a running joke of mine became
a joking bet:

I bet I can beat Toby in a race, easy!

With a head full of sophomoral morale
and softened male ego,

Toby finally agreed to race me.

He was the fastest and most finesse in class and I was
the fat kid always last to the finish.

We set up our start line, agreed on a finish,
waited for a kid counting down to call go
but my mind had already gone.

There were no stakes to this race,
it was mutual fun between tortoise and hare,
but my mind had already decided
that I wanted to win, so I was going to.

In my older and more venerable yearning
I never failed to forget what happened
even without understanding why
because I have yet to achieve
such a state of serenity since

and now when
I am trying to make sense
of why being present doesn’t content me
I yearn for that race,

matching my fastest peer stride
for strife, side by
side

using nothing but focus
and a mental death grip on my goal.

I yearn to become so absorbed by the moment
every muscle I can muster
is mastered,

every thought that can be thunder
is silenced.

I tied Toby, but
I’m still racing him.

The state of flow is also known as "being in the zone," and is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and immense enjoyment or fulfillment in the process of the activity.

I have always liked to run, specifically sprints, but then I started gaining massive amounts of weight in my sophomore year of high school and dealt with it with humor. Then one day my running joke (quite literally) was called out, and I found myself lining up to race one of the fastest kids in my grade. I put myself under an intense amount of pressure lining up. This was all done for fun, but I think my own self-awareness about my weight gain was too much for my own anxiety at the time. Lining up to race him, I snapped inside my head, having racing thoughts (pun seriously not intended), doubts and an extreme wave of depression and lack of self-worth. All of a sudden this joke I had been making had value and impact, and I had clarity. I was going to make this race have value and I was going to win, and that was all that mattered. I tied him, but I think that result speaks for itself pretty loudly.

I've never really attained a mind state since like the one I experienced that day, though I have come very close in intense BDSM sessions with my girlfriend. But it was so extremely gratifying to feel every muscle tendon in my body, know what it was capable of, feel time drop away, and perceive everything sharper than ever before, executing everything I wanted to do to perfection. It was absolutely incredible and euphoric to be a part of that moment and I've always wanted to achieve that state of serenity again.

Toby is not his real name, most likely cause I forget what this guy's name even was after all these years.